


Expect the unexpected

by Starliam



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-05 08:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21205397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starliam/pseuds/Starliam
Summary: Missing moments: the aftermath of Thomas' attempted suicide from when he was found in the bathtub. I wish I could have seen more of it in the show.





	1. Chapter 1

John Bates was quietly talking with Mr. Carson of nothing in particular, just small talks. Both men had finished their duties for the moment, and Carson was sitting in his pantry, checking some books. "Today is really a nice day, isn't it, Mr. Bates?"  
"Yes, definitely, Mr. Carson. I'll see if Anna wants to take a short stroll before dinner, when..." Suddenly, Anna burst into the pantry, grabbing the telephone from Carson's desk, without asking for permission. "Anna!" said Mr. Bates, echoed by Carson himself. "Anna, what..." But Anna was already speaking. "Dr. Clarkson, please!" The urgency in her voice stopped the two men from asking more, and Carson and Bates exchanged a puzzled look. "Dr. Clarkson! It's Anna, from the Abbey! You need to come! Please! Thomas... Mr. Barrow cut his wrists! He's dying! Please!" Anna slammed down the telephone, "I'm sorry, Mr. Carson, I didn't have time..." The woman put a hand to her mouth, clearly very upset. "Anna..." said Bates, very quietly, taking her hands. "Come with me, please!" answered Anna, watching her husband and Carson. Then, without waiting, she started walking quickly towards the stairs, almost running. Both men followed her.   
Bates was shocked. Was it true? Anna looked terrified. How bad it was? He didn't say anything to Carson while they were following Anna through the hallway, but he could see that the butler was pale and shocked. How could that happen? Barrow was always so confident, so... smug. How could he...? Carson entered first in Thomas' room, and he stopped so abruptly that Bates almost slammed into him. Peeking from behind him, Bates understood why. Thomas was lying on the bed, soaked with water. Bates had never seen anyone so pale: maybe only William, right before he died. He was naked, and was covered from the waist down with a blanket. Mrs. Hughes and Andy were trying to dry and warm him up with some towels. His left hand, usually covered by a glove, was abandoned on his chest, with the white, ugly scars clearly visible. Some blood was oozing from a makeshift bandage, pooling on Barrow's belly. The red of the blood created a sickening contrast with the whiteness of the man's wet skin.  
"Where is the doctor?" asked Mrs. Hughes, speaking at the same time as Ms Baxter, who was tying some piece of fabric around Barrow's right wrist. "He's still bleeding! I don't know what to do!"  
"Dr. Clarkson is coming now", said Anna, before stifling a sob. Bates regained his confidence. "Anna, go wait for the doctor at the door, so you can bring him right here". It was imperative to give her something to do, something to keep her away from the sight of blood and death.  
Then, he followed Carson as he entered the room. Both men got a towel, and started quietly drying Thomas, hoping that it would help him. Nobody spoke for a while. Luckily, after what looked like a year, they heard the noise of people walking in the narrow hallway; and before anyone could speak, Dr. Clarkson entered the room, with his suitcase in one hand, followed by Anna.  
"Let's see..." he said, taking both of Thomas' hands and examining his wrists. "Whoever bandaged them did a great job. It contributed to stop the blood loss. Now I'll have to take them off".  
The doctor proceeded to cut the bandages with a pair of scissors, while ordering the others to wait outside. "If Ms Baxter could stay, that would be enough. I will call you if I need more help".  
All of them, minus Ms. Baxter, left the room closing the door, and remained silent in the hallway, without even exchanging a glance.  
Bates looked at his wife. Anna was clearly in pain. She was suffering for Thomas, who probably didn't even deserve her sympathy. Of course, he didn't want him to die, but... he couldn't deny that the under butler didn't really make any effort in order to be loved by the others. And yet, Anna was almost in tears. Bates took her hand, and she laid her head on his shoulder.  
After what looked like a month, Dr. Clarkson came out of the room, followed by Ms. Baxter. He was wiping his hands with a towel, and his white scrubs was stained with blood. Everyone looked at him."Well.. our Thomas is lucky, I would say. The fact that you found him probably saved his life".  
"Is he going to make it?" Asked Carson.  
"I am fairly confident that he will, yes. At the same time, we need to be sure he doesn't get any infections. But he lost a lot of blood, and he is going to be very weak for a while. He needs rest, water and food. I can't be sure of when he will be able to get up, it depends. I will come see him twice a day, the bandages have to be changed often".  
"Doctor... do you think... he will try it again?" I was Anna speaking, this time. The doctor stayed silent for a few moments. "I am afraid I can't answer that. It depends on a lot of reasons, that are known probably only to Thomas himself. I saw different... cases like this one, and it happens sometimes that... the patient is so desperate to be very determined to end his or her life. I can't know if this is Mr. Barrow's case. Maybe you know more about it. Do you know if recently something bad happened to him, for example?"  
"He was about to lose his job here at the Abbey, Dr. Clarkson", answered Mrs. Hughes.  
"I see. Well, this is possibly something that may have prompted him to do such a thing. Especially if we think about his other... problems". Clarkson looked at Ms. Baxter, who lowered her eyes.  
"What? What are you talking about?" asked Anna, looking alternatively Ms. Baxter and Dr. Clarkson.  
"Thomas had other... predicament, as well", answered Ms. Baxter.  
"If you are talking about his... preferences, we already know about that", said Bates.  
"No... I know that you know, he told me that..." Ms. Baxter sighed, clearly in conflict. "Well, I don't want to reveal his secrets, but if we need to help him, you all need to know. But please, don't tell anyone".  
"Of course not," said Carson, while Mrs. Hughes nodded.  
"Well, he... do you remember when he left for London? His father wasn't sick. He went to try some... conversion therapy, I guess they are called".  
"What?" said Bates. "But those things..."  
"Don't work, I know", finished the sentence Ms. Baxter. "But he tried it anyway. He did the... shock therapy... and some shots that almost killed him".  
Anna drew some breath. Everyone was speechless. Even Carson looked almost disgusted. "I... didn't know about this, of course", said the butler at the end. "If I had known, I wouldn't have allowed him to go".  
"It's not your fault, Mr. Carson", said quickly Ms Baxter.  
"I would say that is clear at this point that Mr. Barrow has some unresolved issues..." said Dr. Clarkson. "And the possibility of losing his job was the final straw for him".  
"What can we do to help him?" said Andy, speaking or the first time. He was clearly shocked and very, very pale.  
Dr. Clarkson raised his eyebrows. "I certainly don't want to meddle in the Abbey affairs, but... Mr. Carson, do you think it would be possible to preserve Mr. Barrow's job, at least for a while?"  
"I am sure it is, Dr. Clarkson," answered promptly the butler. "I will speak to His Lordship myself".  
"Thanks, Mr. Carson. I am sure this would do a great deal. At least it can give Mr. Barrow some hope. The hope that now he clearly doesn't feel he has".  
Next to Bates, Anna started crying quietly. Bates knew why. She understood how someone could feel like they didn't have a hope in the world, and she wouldn't wish this feeling to anyone."I'm sorry, but now I really need to go see other patients", says Dr. Clarkson. "I will come back tonight, after dinner. Please, try to convince him to eat. Meat, preferably. And telephone me if you think there is something wrong. Thomas will probably sleep for hours".  
Mrs. Hughes left to accompany the doctor to the door, while Mr. Carson looked at his pocket watch. "It's almost time to serve the tea. I will give His Lordship the news. It's probably better if someone stays with Barrow for a while... we don't want him to wake up and... try something else".  
"I will watch him for a while", answered Ms. Baxter.  
"Good. Anna, Andy and Mr. Bates, please, for now let's not tell anyone downstairs. Let's say that Thomas is in bed with the flu. Then we'll see".  
Everybody nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

After tea time, Mr. Bates entered the kitchen while the butler was giving Mrs. Patmore instructions for Mr. Barrow's dinner. "The flu?" Mrs. Patmore sounded surprised. "No one has it!" Mr. Carson cleared his throat. "Well, Mr. Barrow does".  
"Well... fine, then. I will make him some chicken broth with toasted bread and some fruit".  
"May I suggest a steak, instead of broth?" asked Mr. Carson.  
"A steak?!" Mrs. Patmore sounded outraged. "For a person with the flu? He will never be able to keep it down!"  
"Dr. Clarkson said that this is an aggressive kind of flu, and meat can help".  
At that point, Bates felt it was time to speak up. "I am sorry for interfering, Mr. Carson, but maybe a thick chicken soup would be better, I think".  
"But Dr. Clarkson said..." started the butler again.  
"I know, and maybe we can try with the steak tomorrow, hopefully. But now Mr. Barrow is too weak, and I suspect he is feeling very unwell tonight. He would never be able to eat something like a steak. While with a soup he could be persuaded to swallow at least a couple of spoonfuls". Bates had spoken in his usual calm voice, and Mr. Carson had to concede that he was right. "That is true Mr. Bates, thanks for suggesting that. So, a thick chicken soup for Mr. Barrow, if possible, Mrs. Patmore", he ordered.  
The cook looked puzzled. "My, are you sure he only has the flu? It looks much worse." Mr. Carson and Bates looked at each other in silence.

As it was expected, Thomas was unconscious past dinner time and during the doctor's evaluation. Dr. Clarkson said that everything was fine for the moment, and he left to come back the morning after.  
Right after the family has gone to bed, Ms. Baxter came to say that Thomas was awake, and he probably was ready to eat something. Mrs. Patmore was preparing a tray with a bowl of soup, bread and a couple of apples.  
"Oh, I'll bring it to him", said Anna, with her usual warm smile.  
"No, Anna, you can't!" said Mrs. Patmore, in a reprimanding tone of voice.  
"Why not?" Anna was puzzled.  
"You are pregnant, and the man has the flu! You don't want to get sick, do you?" Anna opened her mouth, surprised. She had forgotten about the flu story. "Yes... sure. You're right".  
"I can bring it to him", offered Bates, before Mrs. Patmore herself, or Daisy, could say the same.  
"Are you sure?" said the cook again. "You are always with Anna, and..."  
"Don't worry, Mrs. Patmore. I will not get the flu". With a last glance to his wife, Bates took the tray from Mrs. Patmore hands, and started walking towards the stairs. 

He opened the door of Thomas' room, almost fearing what he could see. Instead, the under butler was dressed in a light blue pajama, the bed was clean and dry, and he was less pale than before. Bates felt relieved. Thomas looked at him without saying anything.  
"Ah, you regained a little color, I see", said Bates with a small smile, trying to keep a light tone.  
"I can't even imagine how I looked earlier". The under butler's voice sounded tired, and his words were a little slurred.  
"Much worse, I can tell you that". Bates laid the tray on Thomas' bed, and the under butler looked at it with a blank expression. "I'm not hungry".  
Bates expected that. He sat next to Barrow, and said. "You need to eat something, or you will never feel better".  
"That was the entire point of what I did, wasn't it?"  
For the first time, Thomas looked at him. His eyes, dark in the pale face, were sad, the saddest look Bates had ever saw on him.  
"Thomas... and no, don't start now with the Mr. Barrow thing".  
"I wasn't going to".  
"Good. Why you did something like that?"  
"Isn't it clear? Do I really have to explain it?"  
Bates sighed. He wasn't really the best person to talk to Barrow right now. He didn't feel like he wanted to talk to him, either. Bates had intended to bring him the food, be sure that he ate something, and then leave. But he couldn't just ignore what he had said.  
"I am sorry that you are losing your job. And I understand how difficult it must be. I also knew what you tried to do.. with the conversion therapy. I can't even imagine how hard it should have been".  
Thomas scoffed. "Ms. Baxter couldn't shut up, apparently".  
"Don't get mad at her. She only wanted to help you. We were trying to figure out what could have prompted you to do something like that".  
"Don't get involved in this, please".  
Bates couldn't believe his ears. "Don't get involved? I spent part of my afternoon drying and cleaning your naked body with the others, and trying to calm my wife, who got really upset in seeing you like that. I am already involved".  
Thomas blushed a little, how could be possible to blush after such blood loss.  
"Yes, well... No one was supposed to find me until it was too late".  
"And do you think it would have been better, finding you dead in the tub full of blood?"  
Thomas lowered his face, watching the tray of food in front of him, but without really seeing it. "Maybe it would have been better for me".  
"Do you really think that?" asked Bates, calmer.  
"I don't know what to think anymore".  
"Then you have a lot to reflect on. But first, eat your soup".  
"What's the point in living, Bates? When I don't have a job, a home, a family, and everybody hates me? Tell me. You always know everything, well, answer me."  
Bates thought about it. Thomas wasn't been provocative, his voice was sincere. He was really asking that. He wanted to know. "No one hates you, Thomas."  
"No?"  
"No. Hate is a very strong feeling. Who hates you usually wants you dead. Today you had the demonstration that no one here wants that for you".  
Thomas didn't answer, and Bates decided to keep talking. "If many people don't like you, often is a reaction to the way you treated them".  
Thomas scoffed again. "Of course it's my fault".  
Bates decided to ignore this. "Think about me. When I arrived, I didn't have any reason for not liking you. I was perfectly nice with you, until you were being mean to me. You tried to accuse me of stealing and to get me sacked. Do you really think I could still like you after that?"  
"You stole my job. I was supposed to be His Lordship valet. ''  
"And of course, the most mature thing that you could do was acting like that. But I will accept that, let's talk about others. William Mason, for example. He didn't do anything to you, and yet you tried to obstruct his romance with Daisy. You also took advantage of the fact that Daisy liked you, only to annoy him. And clearly it wasn't because you were interested in her. Why did you do that? Are you really surprised that he didn't like you, or Daisy?"  
Thomas stayed silent for a few seconds. "I was jealous".  
Bates was confused. "Of Daisy?"  
"No, of course not. Everyone can have a family, a love life, or just go walking hand in hand with their special one... all things I will never be able to have".  
Bates thought about it. "I know, and I agree that is really sad. I understand your frustration. But it's not Daisy's or William's fault, and it's not mine and Anna's fault. You have no right to treat us like that. At the same time, we don't have reason for not liking you, apart from how you treat us. Do you remember when you were about to be sacked without a reference? If I hated you, do you really think I would have helped you managing Mrs. O'Brien?".  
"Everyone always despised me for who I am. Even my family. My father... he never wanted a son like me. Why do you think I never go visit him? I always assumed that... if not even my family could love me, no one could". Bates was shocked. Thomas had never revealed anything so personal, certainly not to him. "So you started acting like that because you assumed that everyone would eventually despise you?"  
"I guess so". After that, Thomas stayed quiet. Bates respected that: the under butler needed time to think. Then, Thomas picked up the spoon with a hand that was trembling a little, and ate a spoonful of soup. He put the spoon back in the bowl.  
"My wrists hurt", he said, in a pitiful voice. He looked on the verge of tears, and Bates couldn't help but feeling protective of that frail man in front of him. "Do you need me to help you?" asked, and Thomas looked at him, surprised. He then lowered his eyes again. "No... thanks. I can manage".  
"You know... there is nothing wrong in asking for help when needed".  
Thomas nodded. "I'll keep that in mind".  
The under butler took again the spoon and ate some more soup.  
Bates looked at the bandaged wrists, visible under the pajama sleeves. He knew that Thomas had used a razor blade, Ms. Baxter had found it in the bathtub. It must have hurt like hell.  
"What did you tell the others?" asked Thomas after a while.  
"Mr. Carson told them that you have the flu".  
Thomas raised an eyebrow. "Of course. We don't want to risk a scandal, right?"  
"It wasn't for that, believe me. We thought that maybe you didn't want the others to know. But of course it's your choice: if you want me to tell them, I will".  
Thomas thought about it for a moment, playing with the spoon. "No, thanks. I guess It's fine like this. I am assuming the family knows it, tough?"  
"Yes. They do".  
Thomas nodded. "How it went?"  
"Ms. Baxter and Andy found you. Apparently it was something that you told Mr. Molesley. I am not sure if he knows too. Ms. Baxter went to search for you, and Andy told her you were taking a bath, so she understood what you did. They forced the door open and found you. They brought you here with the help of Mrs. Hughes, while Anna was calling Dr. Clarkson. She told me and Mr. Carson".  
"So... almost everyone knows, anyway".  
"There is nothing to be ashamed of, Thomas".  
The two were quiet for a while, and Thomas managed to eat all the soup. He then said, "I don't think I can eat anything else".  
"That's perfectly fine", answered Bates, taking the tray away. "I think I will leave now. Anna needs some rest. Andy is coming to watch you for the night".  
"I don't need that. I can assure you I won't try to kill myself again".  
"It's not for that," lied Bates. "But it's just happened, and we need to be sure that you don't have any complications during the night".  
Thomas nodded. "I'm sorry. For everything, and for upsetting Anna. She probably didn't need this right now". Thomas looked sincerely regretful.  
"Don't worry about that. She is fine already, and probably will come to visit you tomorrow. Is there anything else that I can do for you?"  
"Actually, yes, there is something".  
"Tell me," prompted Bates.  
"Can you bring me a cigarette?"  
Bates chuckled. "I'm sorry, Mr. Barrow. I'm afraid that will have to wait".  
The valet looked at the under butler. Thomas was smiling: a small, faint smile that had something of the usual mischievousness. In that moment, Bates knew that Thomas would have been fine.


	3. Chapter 3

The walk to the cottage was quiet. Both Anna and Bates felt mentally tired after everything that had happened that day.  
As usual, they didn't need words to know what the other was thinking; and they were both too tired to talk anyway. They went to sleep with only a few words exchanged between them; but the next morning Anna noticed how her husband's mood wasn't improved. Of course, John had always been "a brooder", like he said sometimes. But there was something more: a line of worry on his forehead, a dark shadow in his eyes. During the walk to the Abbey, Anna decided to ask him what was going on. "You look very worried. Is it about Thomas? You said he was doing better, yesterday". Bates stopped walking, facing his wife. "Anna", he started, very serious. "I already know your answer, but I need to hear it. Promise me that we will love our child, no matter what". "That's... a very funny questions. Of course we'll love our child. Why are you asking me, today? Is someone that Thomas said?" "Yes. He... said something about his father not accepting who he is. It looks like this gave him the idea that everyone would have despised him, and that is probably the cause of his bad personality. He thinks that people would be mean to him, and so he is mean to them first". Anna lowered her face. "This is really sad. I'm sorry that he had to endure something like this. But this is not who we are, John. We will never do to our child what Thomas' dad did to him. Honestly, I am so happy about this baby that it's impossible for me thinking about an eventuality in which I might stop loving him or her".  
"I never really thought about it before, but now I do. It's possible that our child will be... like Thomas". Anna smiled. "Of course it's possible. So what? Do you really think you would love him less?" "No," said Bates with a small smile, shaking his head. "I could never do that. I am with you on this". Anna smiled again. "Then why you were so worried?" Bates started walking again. "I don't know. I wasn't worried, not really. I guess I only needed to talk about it". Anna linked her arm to her husband's, and started walking with him. She looked at his face: the line of worry had disappeared. 

Thomas had slept more or less well, considering that it was the first night after cutting his wrist. Andy had been very helpful, talking when he felt the need to talk and sleeping next to him. Even if Thomas had tried to refuse a night watch, he admitted that he felt safer, with someone in the room. The only problem came up when Thomas needed to go to the bathroom. He wasn't ready to walk to the bathroom down the hall, of course, so they had prepared a chamber pot for him. Thomas felt embarrassed at the idea that Andy had to help him with this. Not Andy, of everyone. He asked if Mr. Moseley was available, if even Bates, was available: anyone but Andy, not after the insinuation everybody had done about them in the past. But Andy wasn't having any of it. "Mr. Barrow, I saw you naked just yesterday. I think we are past this". "But... this is different". "How? I know that you don't think of me... that way, so there is nothing to be embarrassed of. You need help right now, and I know that you would do the same for me. So, let me help you"Thomas hated feeling vulnerable. In fact, since he was a young kid had tried to feel everything but vulnerable, putting on masks and shields. But now he couldn't do differently: he had made a mistake, and he had to live with it. It was his fault, in the end, that was in that position. And he knew that Andy was sincere: he really wanted to help.  
After that, Thomas managed to eat some porridge with some tea. Then, he felt so tired again, that ended up falling asleep. 

When he woke up, he was alone. Maybe they felt like they could trust him not to do something so stupid again? Hardly. Probably no one was available, at the moment. They had to act more or less like nothing happened, also to keep his secret. He watched around himself for a while. His room was tidy, probably whoever had helped him had also put everything in its place. There was no trace of the hectic hours of the day before. The sun light was entering from the window, illuminating his things. His books, his clothes on a chair, his shoes, everything else.In that moment, in that simple image in front of him, of his things illuminated by the sunlight, he felt happy of being alive. His wrists were still stinging, and he hoped he had scars: they would have served him as a reminder of that moment. 

Right then, the door opened slowly, and Mrs. Hughes entered the room. She was pale, and look contrite and surprised to find him awake. Thomas managed to smile a little. "Good morning, Mrs. Hughes". The housekeeper didn't smile back. She walked to his bed and simply said: "My boy. My dear, dear boy. What did you do?" That simple question was too much for Thomas; and he released all the tension he had accumulated, and started sobbing.  
Mrs. Hughes hugged him and held him, without a word, waiting for him to calm down."I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hughes... I was so desperate, so... I couldn't take it anymore..." "I know, I know, Thomas. And I am the one who is sorry. I should be apologizing to you. I should have known what was going on with you. I've known you for such a long time... I should have understood it sooner".  
"No, it's not," tried to answer Thomas, still crying. "Yes, it is. Me, Mr. Carson, even His Lordship. All of us. We misunderstood you. We should have known better". Thomas didn't try to answer anymore. He just stayed there, hugged to Mrs. Hughes, enjoying the feeling of being loved and vulnerable, just for once. 

After Thomas calmed down a little, he and Mrs. Hughes talked for a while. It was the first time that Thomas felt safe to open up with a colleague. But in the end, Mrs. Hughes was more than a colleague for him. He finally felt like he could tell her everything that was on his mind.  
"I am really sorry about... yesterday and everything that happened. Everything that you had to do for me", said Thomas, blushing a little. "I know that you had to... take off my clothes. I am really sorry for that".  
The older woman looked at you like a mother would have done. "Oh, please. Believe me, in those moments I didn't even think of that".  
"Well... I hope I didn't spoil Mr. Carson for you", said Thomas winking, with a cheeky smile.  
Mrs. Hughes laughed, swatting his shoulder lightly.


End file.
